Pretty ladies with big chapeaux (they ain't got what we got)
by Ms.Informed13
Summary: ("To my people I am invincible, Clarke. I am their leader, I cannot have weakness." "To me you're a fucking raccoon!" Clarke yelled, pacing away from Lexa. "What is a raccoon?" "It's a little animal- you know what? That's not the point." ) OR Four times Clarke and Lexa fight slightly cannon, slightly AU, very fluffy
1. Chapter 1

**A/N- My first Clexa, but I just had to. This is four times Clarke and Lexa fight (may also be four times Lexa's understanding of English screws her over). It will be two chapters, and I'll get the next one up soon. Let me know what you think!**

 **Title from 'Private Lawns' by Angus and Julia Stone (I own nothing of The 100)**

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"When all the fights stop, so does the passion."  
― Crystal Woods, Write like no one is reading 2

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There are no 'swear' words in Trigedasleng. It's a language of necessity, there's at least a dozen different words for 'sword' all referring to a sword with different size, purpose, shape, material, but there's no swear words. So the first time Clarke's face turns red, her eyes narrow, her jaw clenches, and she practically growls out, "You are such a bitch."

Lexa just quirks a concerned eyebrow, "I am a what?"

"A bitch, Lexa." Clarke repeats. She can see the confusion etched on the Commander's face, but she can't bring herself to care, "Ask someone else what it means."

The two had managed to unite their clans to defeat the Mountain Men together, but now as winter is drawing nearer buried tensions were beginning to bubble to the surface. This latest fight wasn't all that significant, but it was the culmination of a dozen smaller fights the two of them had gone through.

"Just let a few of my soldiers go out with your warriors on the next hunting trip." Clarke tried again with a more calm voice.

"No. You don't have soldiers, you have children." Lexa growled, "Until they can learn to hunt without guns, they are not going out with my people. You know what happened the last time they brought back a pauna."

Clarke set her jaw, the bullets had been embedded in the large animal Bellamy had managed to shoot and when they cooked it later, two people cracked their teeth on the metal.

"Come on Lexa, that was only one time."

The Commander narrowed her eyes at Clarke, "I said no, that is my final decision. Until they can hunt with our weapons, they do not hunt with us."

Clarke huffed in frustration and stormed from the tent, being sure to open the flap as violently as she possibly could.

That day was quite the interesting day for Octavia. She had been training for months now as Indra's second and was living full time in Ton DC with the grounders, they day of Clarke and Lexa's explosive fight, she was training with a bow and arrow in the forest.

Clarke came across her after storming out of Lexa's tent. Octavia spotted her friend's glare from a mile away.

"Who pissed in your Cheerios?" She asked with amusement as Clarke startled, clearly she had been too absorbed in her thoughts to notice Octavia.

"Nobody, I'm fine."

The brunette rolled her eyes, "I've spent the last year with you Clarke, if you're not bright eyed and bushy tailed spouting a hope speech or over your head in some argument about the future of our people, you're not fine."

Clarke allowed the corner of her mouth to lift in a hint of a smile, "So maybe I'm not fine."

Octavia patted a rotten stump next to her that Clarke didn't hesitate to sit down on. They weren't the best of friends, sure, but they were damn close after having gone through so much together.

"Tell Auntie O, what's got you looking like someone floated your cat?"

The question was ridiculous, there were no pets on the Ark (not enough oxygen), and both girls had experienced one of their parents being executed in such a manner, and yet Clarke couldn't help but laugh, "Auntie O? Really Octavia?"

"Oh shut it and spill." The brunette rolled her eyes, going back to target practice while Clarke explained about her fight with Lexa.

"I just don't understand what her issue is. It's like she has a personal grudge against me!" She finished.

Octavia laughed shortly, "The Commander doesn't hate you."

"How do you know?"

"Well she lets you call her Lexa instead of Heda for one thing. And if anyone else tried to argue with her the way you did, she would run them through with her sword."

"You're exaggerating, she's not that mean."

"To us peasants she is."

Clarke rolled her eyes, standing to continue her walk back to Camp Jaha, "I don't believe you." She lied. The whole way back, she couldn't help but mull over her friend's words and wonder if maybe there was something more to her relationship to the Commander.

For Octavia though, the weird was just beginning. Shortly after Clarke left her to continue archery in the woods, Indra appeared silently beside her.

"You're pulling your arrows left, use the tips of your fingers more than the pads."

Octavia jumped, sending an arrow high and way off target when Indra startled her, "How long have you been standing there?"

"Long enough to know you need more practice. But not now, the Commander has requested your presence."

"What?"

Indra narrowed her eyes, giving Octavia her signature glare and the girl swallowed, "Yes, Indra." She gathered her things and hurried away back to camp. She knew better than to bother her mentor with useless questions, in her haste to avoid Indra berating her, Octavia missed the older woman's slight smirk.

Octavia bounced nervously on the balls of her feet while she waited for Lexa to summon her inside. Soon enough, she heard the gruff 'enter' that let her know the Commander was not a happy camper, and she went into the tent.

She bowed her head respectfully, "Heda."

"Octavia, I understand you are quite fluent in Trigedasleng?"

"Yes, Heda."

"Clarke said something, and I wonder if you can translate it for me."

"Yeah, I'll try." Octavia said, instantly relaxing. Clarke sometimes dropped slang that they used on the Ark without realizing it, all of them did.

"What is a bitch?"

At the question, Octavia couldn't help but burst out with laughter. Until she caught sight of Lexa's deadly glare.

"Sorry, Heda." Octavia said, sobering up and blushing, "A bitch uhm, well it's a word for someone who, erm." The warrior ran a hand through her hair trying to figure out how to explain it to the Commander who was looking at her with a mix of anger and confusion, "It's well, it's a swear word."

"Like an oath."

"No, a different kind of swear." Octavia bit her bottom lip.

…

They had been officially a couple for one month, Lexa had made the first move in asking Clarke to be her partner after one of their ambiguous makeout sessions. Now Clarke was spending most of her time at Ton DC, sleeping over most nights in Lexa's tent. She had to admit, the fur bed was growing on her.

They were having dinner one night around a fire outside of Lexa's tent with some warriors when the fight started. Clarke had gotten up to grab a dense bread roll, and when she got back, Lexa pulled her to sit on her lap. Clarke had laughed, but given into her girlfriend's tug.

She was surprised when they first started dating how affectionate Lexa was even in front of other people. The brunette had explained simply that she like to show her off. Clarke later learned that their relationship was somewhat symbolic to the people of Ton DC. The grounders were at ease knowing their Heda was happy.

Clarke reclined in Lexa's lap, laying her head against the Commander's shoulder, and tuning out of the conversation. Lexa was talking with a highly tattooed man in Trigedasleng, the blonde had tried, she really had to learn the language, but she was still barely conversational and most of her knowledge revolved around a battlefield.

Lexa began running a hand through Clarke's hair, the blonde smiled and leaned into the contact. She nestled her face in the crook of Lexa's neck, pressing a kiss to the soft skin there, and snuggling her body closer into Lexa's. The man said something resulting in a laugh from all of the warriors gathered around the table, and a slight blush to rise on Lexa's cheeks.

"What did he say?" Clarke asked quietly.

Lexa's blush only deepened when she translated it for her girlfriend, "He said that I know how to take care of what belongs to me."

A shadow passed over Clarke's face but she knew better than to say anything about it now. As affectionate as Lexa may be, she couldn't be questioned in front of her people, so Clarke bit her tongue until she was back in Lexa's tent at the end of the night.

Lexa knew something was wrong when the blonde just stood with her arms crossed, "What is it, Princess?"

Clarke resisted the urge to smile at the nickname- Lexa was the only one who could get away with calling her that.

"What that warrior said earlier."

Lexa smiled knowingly, she thought it might have gotten to Clarke, "I know, you can take care of yourself, and you don't need me to do it for you."

"That isn't what I was going to say." Clarke bit her lip, she knew this wasn't something Lexa would easily understand, "He said I belong to you."

"You do belong to me." Lexa nodded, her brows furrowed in concentration. Sometimes Clarke said things that she knew were important, but she didn't quite understand, she could tell this was one of them.

"No, I don't."

"But you're my partner."

Clarke cringed slightly at the term Lexa always used in reference to the two of them, "Yeah, I am your _girlfriend_."

"So you're mine." Lexa said slowly, her head was beginning to hurt with the circles they were talking in.

"Yes, Lex, but I don't belong to anyone."

"Except for me, because we are," Lexa trailed off, trying to find the word Clarke had used before to describe them to other Sky people, "excluded!"

Clarke dropped her head into her hand, "Exclusive, we are exclusive, but that's not what I meant, sweetie."

Clarke sat on the bed next to Lexa and put a hand on her arm. Try as she might to be mad, she couldn't when Lexa was looking so adorably confused.

"It's like, this is your tent," Clarke said, pointing at the structure they were sitting in, "and it belongs to you. And the people of the clan are your people, but they don't belong to you."

"What's the difference?" Lexa was getting exasperated.

"The people can make their own decisions and do whatever they want."

"But they can't, because I'm the Commander."

Clarke took a breath before trying again, "Yes, you are the Commander, but the people still don't belong to you." She couldn't believe she was sitting here, trying to explain the complexities of the english language and all the implications therein to her girlfriend, "It's like, belong implies property, so people just don't belong to other people." Clarke explained slowly, "That's called slavery."

"Which is bad." Lexa said, trying very hard not to let the end of her sentence inflect up into a question.

"Yeah, Lexa, it's bad."

"So you don't belong to me, but you're still mine?"

"I mean, sort of." Clarke trailed off, running a hand through her hair, "But we're equals."

"Of course."

"I guess that's what really what matters."

Lexa smiled, "You were wrong earlier." She smirked.

Clarke raised an eyebrow, she was only marginally concerned, sometimes Lexa would try to say sweet things to her that only ended up being overtly sexual or completely nonsensical, "What was I wrong about?"

"This is our tent." She said, moving in closer to Clarke. She rested a hand on the back of Clarke's neck to bring her in close enough to kiss (which she did), "And this is our bed." She said against the blonde's lips, pushing Clarke down onto her back and straddling her hips.

Clarke smiled, watching as Lexa sat up for a moment to pull off her shirt, before leaning back down to continue kissing her.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N- I had FAR too much fun writing this story. Hopefully you'll have as much fun with this final installment, thank you for reading/reviewing.**

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Clarke was pacing up and down the tent relentlessly. She had tried to go back out, but Indra hadn't let her, apparently before the war Lexa had given the woman express orders to keep Clarke from going out on any sort of rescue mission.

Everything had been going fine, until it wasn't. Their people were winning, around her, Clarke saw their warriors taking out members of the Ice Nation, until a second wave of Ice Nation soldiers arrived, and all Clarke saw was Lexa throwing herself in front of a young soldier. The boy had been fighting one of the Ice Nation and was seconds away from being run through from behind when Lexa put her own body in the way.

The Ice Nation warrior's sword caught her in the side before she swiftly ended his life. Last Clarke saw, Lexa was stumbling off towards the woods. She had been hit.

She tried to go after her, but she had been swept up in the battle. When the rubble cleared, the Ice Nation was defeated, and Lexa was nowhere to be seen. Indra had dragged Clarke away before she could try to find her wife.

She didn't know how long she had been pacing, but it felt like hours before the tent flap opened, and a bloodied and bruised Lexa had appeared. She looked absolutely exhausted, and Clarke couldn't help but run to her, and throw her arms around the taller woman's waist.

"Oh, thank god." She had muttered into Lexa's chest, burying herself in the Commander's blood stained armour.

"Clarke." The brunette's voice was hoarse like it always was after a battle, and just hearing it brought tears to Clarke's eyes.

She finally released her wife and looked at her critically, she could see most of the blood wasn't Lexa's except for one large dark patch on her abdomen where she must have been hit when she saved the young boy.

"Let's get you out of your armor." Clarke said decisively, she began undoing the straps and clasps she had learned over years of undressing the Commander. When they first got together, she would fumble over the undoings, and Lexa would just smile placatingly at her.

"I knew you just wanted to get me naked." Lexa joked, relenting to the blonde's insistent hands, but only because she knew Clarke would not stop until she saw to her wounds.

"Oh shut it." Clarke admonished, pulling Lexa's shirt up over her head. She narrowed her eyes as she stared at the gash on her wife's side. It wasn't too deep, but she would like to throw some stitches into it.

"I cannot believe you were so irresponsible today." She said, shaking her head while she went to grab a bowl of water and a rag.

She knelt down in front of Lexa, carefully wetting the rag and cleaning the wound, "I did what I had to do."

"We both know that isn't true." Clarke said softly, "You took an unnecessary risk. You put your life on the line for that kid."

"He is Octavia's second, he is indispensible."

"You are indispensible." Clarke said with a hard edge in her voice.

"We've talked about this Clarke, when it is my time to go, the Heda's soul will-"

"Don't talk like that." Clarke interrupted her.

She stood up to grab the instruments she would need for the stitches.

Lexa didn't say anything for a long while, she just watched Clarke carefully thread a needle and grabbed a stool for Lexa to sit down on. The brunette eyed the stool until Clarke gave her a look and she gave in.

"Don't talk like what?" Lexa asked softly when Clarke was standing between her legs.

"Like you're invincible."

Clarke studied her wife's face, Lexa's warpaint had mixed with her sweat during the fighting and run down her cheeks. It reminded her of that morning when she had painstakingly applied it. She did it before every battle for the past four years since they had been together, it was their time together.

Lexa would sit on her throne, and Clarke would sit on Lexa, straddling her hips. She would catch her lip between her teeth and focus intently on the paintbrush between her fingers, using precise strokes to draw on Lexa's signature intimidating mask.

Normally, this running and splotching of the paint was endearing, now it just made Clarke's heart hurt as she was reminded of the time she spent pacing the tent, wondering if she would ever be able to apply that paint to her wife's face again.

"To my people I am invincible, Clarke. I am their leader, I cannot have weakness."

"To me you're a fucking raccoon!" Clarke yelled, pacing away from Lexa.

"What is a raccoon?"

"It's a little animal- you know what? That's not the point."

"What is the point?"  
"The point is that you are just skin and bone!" Clarke turned, not caring that she was shouting and anyone near their tent could clearly hear the argument, "You go about like you're untouchable, but you almost left me today. You can't do that Lexa."

The brunette stood and walked over to where Clarke was hugging herself, she drew Clarke into her arms and rested her head on top of the blonde's, "I'm not going anywhere." She pressed a kiss to the crown of Clarke's head, "I promise."

They stood like that for a long while, both just taking comfort in having the other so close. Clarke only pulled back when she heard Lexa suck in a pained breath, she still hadn't stitched her up.

Lexa cupped Clarke's face, using her thumbs to wipe away tears Clarke didn't even realize she had shed.

"You're bleeding." Lexa said, zeroing in on a red trickle down her wife's forearm.

"It's just a scratch."

"Now who's acting invincible?"

Clarke rolled her eyes, "Sit down on the stool, Commander Raccoon."

…

Clarke emerged from her medical facility sweaty and tired, she had been working most of the morning stitching up some warriors who had just returned from a hunting trip where they had been attacked by a pauna.

They would all be fine, just with a few more scars decorating their arms. Mostly, she just wanted to get back to her relaxing Sunday. She had been enjoying a lazy day with her family before she was interrupted.

Raven was passing by, and Clarke stopped her, "Have you seen Lexa?"

The brunette smiled, "You mean you haven't seen her?"

"What are you getting at, Reyes?"

"Oh, this is going to be good." Raven laughed, "She's down in the training arena. Let me walk with you."

Clarke looked at the brunette critically, but went with her anyway, not bothering to make small talk. Though she had been living with Lexa in Polis for nearly six years now, the splendor of the Grounder capital city never failed to amaze her. When they made it to the arena, there was a large group crowded in a circle, all watching some spectacle in the middle.

Clarke pushed her way through to the front of the crowd, when she finally was able to see what drew so much attention, she was furious.

"What are you doing?" She all but yelled.

Lexa whipped around at the familiar voice, trying to hide evidence of her activities by shoving the wooden training sword in her hand into the scabbard on her hip. But her real sword was already in there so she just succeeded in stabbing herself in the hand with the wooden sword and embedding a couple of splinters before dropping the sword, "Nothing."

Clarke narrowed her eyes at her wife, "Lexa." She warned, rushing forwards and dropping to her knees in front to the other warrior in the arena.

The brunette knew it was about to be a serious fight, Clarke never called her 'Lexa' in front of her warriors unless something was seriously wrong, "It was harmless, prisa."

"She's three!" Clarke yelled, her hands on the shoulders of the small girl holding a wooden sword to match Lexa's, but shorter.

"I started training when I was two."

"You're the Commander!"

"Exactly! So there's nothing to worry about."

"Where's Wells?" Clarke asked, once she was confident that the young girl was injury free.

Lexa awkwardly scratched the back of her neck before turning around so that Clarke could see their seven month old son strapped to her back in a child carrier that was typical of the Grounder parents. Clarke rolled her eyes, stepping forward to take Wells out of the carrier and cradle him gently.

Throughout the entire ordeal, the boy had hardly stirred. Clarke rocked him a couple of times, checking him over for scratches before rounding back on her wife, "Take the armor off our daughter."

Lexa growled intelligibly, muttering under her breath even as she did what Clarke had told her to do. She kneeled in front of their little girl, unhooking the chestplate she had put on Anya. The armor was too big even though it was made for a child. Anya, having always been slight for her age just like her namesake, was practically swimming in the protective gear.

Clarke watched skeptically, bouncing Wells in her arms, while Lexa finished with the armor, "You did very good today, yongon." She told Anya with a little smile that Clarke scowled at.

Clarke stalked off from the training arena with Wells still in her grasp, and Lexa trailed behind with her head hung low and a bouncing Anya at her side. The little girl was still energized from the bout with her mother, she didn't notice the tension between her parents and ran to catch up with Clarke.

"Did you see my footwork Mommy?"

"Yes I did, sweetie."

"Ma says I'm getting quicker."

"Quicker, huh. How many times have you practiced with Ma?" Clarke asked, raising her eyebrows at her wife who was still a few paces behind them.

"I dunno, a lot." Anya shrugged. They arrived outside of their home and Clarke stopped.

"Anya, do you want to go play with Indra?"

The girl perked up instantly. No matter how much Indra tried to deny it, she loved spending time with the little girl, "Yeah!"

"Go on."

Anya ran off in the direction of Indra's usual haunt while Clarke stepped into the house. She put Wells down in his crib for a nap before rounding on Lexa. The brunette was standing just inside the doorway with her lip caught between her teeth nervously, she knew Clarke was mad. But the blonde refused to say anything first.

Finally Lexa cracked, "I know you're concerned for our kids, but you know I would never let anything happen to them. I was just teaching Anya a few things, she will be a fine warrior one day." Clarke's eyes hardened, and Lexa backtracked, "Or a healer, or a baker, or whatever else it is that she wants to do, but it's good for her to at least have these skills."

Clarke knew Lexa was right, but she didn't want to admit it quite yet so she just remained silent to see where Lexa would go with this.

"Besides, you've already been teaching her some healing and that's plenty dangerous too. Like sometimes you stab yourself with the little stab-y thing-"

"A needle?"

"Yes, a needle!" Lexa finished with a triumphant smile.

Clarke took a moment to make sense of her wife's rambling, "So you teaching our four year old daughter sword fighting is not that bad because sometimes, when I'm stitching up warriors- with massive gashes from swords- I stab myself with a three inch needle?"

"Exactly." Lexa seemed quite proud of her reasoning, and Clarke could only roll her eyes. Grounder logic.

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 **A/N- We're just going to pretend that Clarke and Lexa having two kids together doesn't raise a whole slew of questions as to how the kids came about, and answer all of those questions with a simple- BECAUSE PLOT.**


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